Sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if I haven't reached my personal level of success because other people just don't see what I do. Because others just don't see the world as I do or find the beauty in life that I do. I can show people a photo, a design, a new spot with a dope view, an article I read that moved or motivated me...and get virtually no response greater than a Kanye shrug. It perplexes me and it happens so often that I begin to question what it is that I am doing. At the begenning and end of the day, I do what I do for me. Because it brings me some sort of satisfaction, be it mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual. I want to share this feeling with others and hope to provide them with the same emotions and often I find myself alone in my appreciation. In a way, I also do what I do for others, but often find that very few really see or feel what I do in something I create or see or share. I don't get it. And it gets me to wonder if that's why my creative work is at this level and not higher. Because I rely on others' appreciation to propel me forward, particularly in a financial way. But only because that is a big notch in how i measure my success.

Now, success is a relative thing measured only by each individual. It's just that my measure seems to be falling short. Only I can measure my success and maybe I have too high of an echelon to reach. Maybe I created too high of a bar, too high of a mountain to ever possibly overcome. I see others' success and compare it to my own. Mistake number one, of course. But sometimes, we can't help it. We see what others do, compare it to our own hustles, and we wonder why they have the successes we are after in our own lives. Often with [what appears as] less effort, too. We push it aside, focus on ourselves, but from time to time, we take notice in others...and it can be crippling if one is not careful.

But I digress. Personal success is exactly that--personal. It is regarded only by each individual and many will see you as a success, many as a failure. Because we all think different. That, I am ok with. I just wonder at times if maybe I am too different. That maybe my ideas and visions are just not of this world, regardless of their parallels to others. And that these major differences are why I have yet to reach the levels I want. Why things seem like such a slow build and progression no matter how many hours and energy I pour into something (relationships included). I sit back and wonder, "What am I missing? What can I do different but still remain true to myself?". And I am often left with a clueless night, forced to push it aside, and trudge forward through it all. Because maybe there is nothing I can do. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is me and to stay true to me will mean that my success is currently out of reach and all I can do is keep going because giving up is never an option. As hard of a pill that is to swallow at times, it goes down. It dissolves and enters my bloodstream and I forget it for a while as it takes effect for a few hours or days.

It wears off, though. Eventually the idea resurfaces and it becomes this tenacious loop that at times I cannot seem to break free of. I merely want to reach MY success. MY goals. To see MY dreams come true and compare them to no one elses but my own previous experiences and goals. To be satisified that I have made it to that summit. Even though I know once that happens there will be another, higher top beyond that. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I am tired. Maybe I'm exhausted and the thought of yet another peak seemingly out of reach tires me mentally. (Even though I want to always evolve and grow). Subconsciously keeping me here, floating about where I am discontent. And maybe I have spent to many thoughts on any of this. Where that energy could be spent creating instead of reflecting. But introspection is important, right? So maybe this is normal. Maybe I am just like you.

Maybe one day I will figure out what I am doing, or not doing, that is holding me back.

And maybe I am just marketing to the wrong people.

Stay Creative,
BLUE731.